


I Swear I Lived

by PrydonianAlchemist



Series: Manifest Secondaries [1]
Category: Maximum Ride - James Patterson, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Avian Au, I have writers block, M/M, Slight OOC, freewrite - Freeform, this is terrible im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 05:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17115335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrydonianAlchemist/pseuds/PrydonianAlchemist





	I Swear I Lived

Matthew vaguely remembered the time they lost their first pet. He'd hardly been a year out of that terrible School -hardly twelve years old - when it had happened.

He remembered the screeching of tires, the dull thud, the limp, lifeless body as his father carried it away to be buried somewhere in the yard.

Katie, hardly two years old and too young to remember or understand, crying.

While Matthew stood silent, unable to do so, hiding his feelings inside.

And Shiro. He'd still lived with the Holts at that time, and had been inside when the whole incident happened, kept staring out the living room window.

And staring.

_And staring._

The blank, almost unforgiving look never left his face for an entire hour.

Nobody bothered him.

Not even Matt, who had worried that the death had caused too much on their already broken minds. Who thought that Shiro being alpha of their flock lead to him being emotionally cold and unforgiving.

He had shoved that thought into the back of his mind, and thus, has not brought up the situation since.

 

 

About a year afterward, Leap Day came. Shiro and Matt celebrated their thirteenth birthdays along with Katie's third. Also by extension, it was their second year out of that hellish School.

Somehow, when it had quieted down, those two gazes caught one another, and that memory flashed back, as clear as though it'd just happened once again.

They didn't really talk much again that day.

Maybe it was just some weird misunderstanding. Some connection that would pass eventually.

Would it really pass?

_Would it?_

 

 

Somehow, that gut feeling didn't pass. It only ruffled previously disturbed feathers more.

Living life as an avian, they seemed to stick out like neon on black. Basically, they were out in the open.

Matt figured that it would pass eventually. Yet, that was if they were fully human.

To others, they were just mutant freaks. Mutant freaks to whom mankind thought had no valid human emotions.

Matt proved them wrong on so many levels.

 

 

It was one day -some day during their fifth year out of the School -to which he felt pure jealousy when Shiro came home from the Academy, informing the entire household it seemed that he'd been asked out on a date.

The way he said it, there was an air of effrontery about him, some audacity to say it.

Maybe he had come home to shove it down Matt's throat. Like saying, "Someone got me first. And it wasn't you."

Matt has stormed up to his - their - room afterwards, afraid to show his feelings. He'd rather hurl himself off a cliff than actually show his jealousy toward Shiro.

That date, he hoped, would eventually diminish until it was just a faint memory in Matthew's mind.

Instead, the memory taunted him. Day in and day out, it was the constant thing on his mind. Nagging him, making words stick in his throat where there shouldn't have been any. He wanted to tell Shiro his feelings, but also, somehow he could not bring himself to do it. The everlasting demon of anxiety threatened him with futures that might not even come to be.  
  
It made him so scared to say anything, he didn't even hang around Shiro anymore. He left the room when Shiro entered, he'd go on flights when Shiro got home. Matt even went as far as not even sleeping in their shared bedroom anymore.

He felt no emotion but for that jealousy hanging over his head.

Maybe it was his brain. he'd only gone to a proper school for about five years - much less than some others his age. He really hadn't been properly taught about relationships anyway. He couldn't even think properly, much less make good decisions for himself.

No, maybe that wasn't it.

Oh, how some days he just wanted to smash his head into a concrete wall and get it over with.

_Why can't I get over it?_

 

 

He couldn't sleep the night he had that thought. If he tried, his thoughts came to haunt him in some sort of strange nightmare.

 

 

He spent the day at the Academy in a listless mood, casting his gaze away when Shiro even remotely looked at him. He almost thought he caught a glance of pity from the elder avian when the two locked gazes for longer than they'd anticipated.

Matt left early, claiming the common "he didn't feel well" excuse, flying back home in a rush.

He'd basically flaked on Shiro.

Possibly the worst mistake in his life.

Shiro arrived several hours later. He had that impassive look on his face. That look where nobody could clearly read the emotions he was feeling.

_That was the worst face of all._

Yet, no matter which emotion he had been feeling, possibly indignant or otherwise, Matt went down to the kitchen to speak with him.

"I haven't seen you all day. What's going on..?"

"I couldn't deal with people. Can't deal with people is more the right phrase. There's this thing called social anxiety. You should try it sometime - it's really fun."

Shiro wasn't amused at Matt's reply. "Real reason?"

" Social. Anxiety. " Same excuse, rephrased. He knew Shiro wasn't that dumb, but at least it was good try. "Listen. I panicked in class, got sick of it, and left, okay? Don't get on my case, Takashi."

It was then he realized that may have been the wrong thing to say. That cold, unforgiving look returned to his face. That look that Matt had noticed once before when their dog had died four years back. This was the second time that "look" had happened.

To summarize it up correctly, he'd just completely messed things up.

Instead of what he was expecting, Shiro took a breath, appearing more cold. There was no pity on his gaze, as such from earlier. He looked much like the alpha male of the flock as Matt had expected him to be.

"Maybe you'll learn how anxiety feels when someone dumps you in the middle of class." He crossed his arms. Matt suspected that he was doing that thing again, where he took other's feelings and shoved it down their throats.

Shiro turned to leave before Matt was done with his point. He didn't need a point, apparently.

"Congratulations. You know how I feel." Matt huffed under his breath. Shiro didn't hear him, but, more than likely, he didn't care.

He went over to the sink at the opposite side of the room.

This was some sort of sick joke.

Ha, now I finally take the blame for something. Funny, isn't it?

He smacked the countertop repeatedly, completely humiliated. The only one to blame in this situation was him.

Matt, for being such a feather brained idiot.

_Feather brain._

He smacked the sink afterward. A sharp edge somewhere then cut into the edge of his palm, and he pulled away suddenly with a sharp yelp.

By the time he held it up to examine it, blood was already dripping down his arm. It sent him panicking, searching throughout the kitchen for something to staunch the wound.

By then, blood was already dripping into the floor.

He dashed to the pantry - the nearest room to the kitchen exit - looking for paper towels, a cloth, something.

 _Nothing_.

He gave up, almost failing in his attempt at ripping off a sleeve cuff of his cadet uniform -eventually getting quite a sizeable amount of material anyway - and tying it tightly around his hand.

The bleeding slowed, if not stopped completely, staining the material a bright red.

He sank to the floor right there at the exit, staring at his hand. Consequences, he figured.

By then he still regretted his thoughts; his emotions as well. He still thought it had been some weird, sick joke Shiro had played on him. Yet, also, Matt himself had let his own feelings get the best of him anyway. Should it have been in the form of avoiding Shiro, those pointless nightmares, that demon of anxiety, anyone could point that out easily to the emotion known as jealousy.

Setting his hand down in his lap, Matt leaned back against the kitchen wall. He could almost laugh at his own misfortune, almost doing so until he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Too heavy to be Katie's, almost too light to be either one of his parents.

 _Shiro_.

The only thing he could bring himself to do was to lean his head against the wall, fixing Shiro with a cold, hard stare.

"Come here to gloat? I hurt myself so I'm good now." He held up his injured hand in defeat, smiling painfully. In reality, he just really, really wanted to cry.

With that unforgiving look still plastered on his face, the other avian shook his head. Instead, Shiro sunk to the floor as well, only a few feet before Matt. He took the younger avian's injured hand to look at it. Matt almost jerked it away, but still kept Shiro held in his cold stare.

"Being a feather brain again?" Shiro's mood lightened - traces of a smirk were forming on his face.

Matt - still staring at him - didn't reply at first. Shiro still had his hand. "It was your fault… Completely."

"Well, it wasn't my fault, I'll tell you that. Must've been a clone I guess. I'm never in a mood."

"Explain the whole breakup thing, then." Matt yanked his hand away, wincing as pain then sliced back into his palm. The lightened air that had once been was gone, replaced with the cold Shiro again.

"He was more or less cheating on me. I guess I'm too young to date, like your parents said."

"You're only sixteen." Matt sat upright, feeling a slight flush reach his face. "As am I, but my parents have an actual point here. I'm not implying anything. " He defended himself, only finding himself feeling more flustered than ever before. "Crud, this is terrible as hell." He hid his head in his hands. "I'm an idiot."

"Yeah, I think you're right on point there." Straightening up himself, Shiro teased the avian and ruffled his hair with a hand.

"And you look cute when you blush, I hope you realize."

Shiro got up as Matt lifted his head. He was smiling, an unusual thing. He looked at his hand, away from Shiro.

The elder avian's footsteps retreated back upstairs, while Matt kept staring at his hand, smiling.

_ He swore he wouldn't forget. _


End file.
